Today marks 4 months. These have been the hardest days of my life. I don’t know where to begin or even where to end. So I’m just going to write . May 21, 2016 just four days after his 19th birthday I lost my oldest son Alfred. A huge part of me died that day too. You don’t understand what a unique gift I was given to be chosen to be Alfred’s mother. It wasn’t always easy, but it was and always will be an honor. This is my first blog post of what I’m am hoping many. Right now we as a family are trying to find our NEW NORMAL. No we are not ok, but we are good. We can laugh together, but know there is and will always be a missing piece.
I replay them telling me my son is gone over and over in my head. How I got through those first days.. I don’t know. I felt numb inside. I just knew my 2 other sons as well as my husband needed me. I knew I couldn’t crawl in the hole I so very desperately wanted to. My job as a Mother is to protect my children. They needed me more than I needed to let my grief take over. I mainly just kept telling myself ..” Ok Kris, just get through this part.” Like the funeral home visit. Which btw is the only time I got to be with my son. Then it was ,”Ok Kris, just get through..” his service, going to the high school, talking on the phone.. even just getting a shower. One of the biggest ” Ok Kris” moments was not only going to his high school graduation, but accepting his diploma. Seeing that empty chair on stage with his cap and gown. I knew I had to do it. Alfred earned it, and we both worked so hard to get him there. My knees were knocking, but I did it for him.
So everyday since I give myself the “Ok Kris” talk. That’s as normal as I can be right now.
My life with Alfred was such an amazing journey, I have so many stories and self reflections to share. My life now without him is itself a journey and I will continue to write about it and share what I can.