The New Normal

Today marks 4 months. These have been the hardest days of my life. I don’t know where to begin or even where to end. So I’m just going to write . May 21, 2016 just four days after his 19th birthday I lost my oldest son Alfred. A huge part of me died that day too. You don’t understand what a unique gift I was given to be chosen to be Alfred’s mother. It wasn’t always easy, but it was and always will be an honor. This is my first blog post of what I’m am hoping many. Right now we as a family are trying to find our NEW NORMAL. No we are not ok, but we are good. We can laugh together, but know there is and will always be a missing piece. 

I replay them telling me my son is gone over and over in my head. How I got through those first days.. I don’t know. I felt numb inside. I just knew my 2 other sons as well as my husband needed me. I knew I couldn’t crawl in the hole I so very desperately wanted to. My job as a Mother is to protect my children. They needed me more than I needed to let my grief take over. I mainly just kept telling myself ..” Ok Kris, just get through this part.” Like the funeral home visit. Which btw is the only time I got to be with my son. Then it was ,”Ok Kris, just get through..” his service, going to the high school, talking on the phone.. even just getting a shower. One of the biggest ” Ok Kris” moments was not only going to his high school graduation, but accepting his diploma. Seeing that empty chair on stage with his cap and gown. I knew I had to do it. Alfred earned it, and we both worked so hard to get him there. My knees were knocking, but I did it for him.

So everyday since I give myself the “Ok Kris” talk. That’s as normal as I can be right now. 

My life with Alfred was such an amazing journey, I have so many stories and self reflections to share. My life now without him is itself a journey and I will continue to write about it and share what I can.

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9 thoughts on “The New Normal”

  1. Beautifully written! You may not have known what to say, but it seems so appropriate. Its such a tough time, yet you’ve been such an amazing strong woman and fantastic Mom!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m sure this is difficult; however, I believe it will be a sense of release…release of the sadness you hold onto so deeply. I know you must talk and reflect daily, but sometimes it must be hard to get the words out…writing is a beautiful tool that will help you talk when you feel like releasing; at your pace, your comfort level, your extent. I admire your strength, even if you feel you’re full of weakness, at times. Your words will help others find solace, as well as allowing us all to know Alfred’s beautiful soul. God bless. Xo

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Was your son born on May 17th? You just commented on my blog so I thought I would read yours and this post says the 21st was 4 days after his 19th birthday. My son was born on May 17th, 1979. As you know from my blog he was 20 when I lost him. I guess I should say “we” lost him because so many grieve still. Its been longer for me but feelings don’t change. I just wanted to comment because the birth date thing. blessings to you
    Pastor Jenine Marie

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow! I just got chills. Yes my son was born May 17th. I do believe our paths have crossed for a reason.. and your right time has no measure as I am learning as I go on. Thank you for reaching out. Prayers and hugs to you right back 😌

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      1. Wow, now I have chills! Nothing is ever an accident when it comes to these kind of connections. Its strange that things like this happen close to times when I have missed my son the most and have “talked to him”, as I often do. I dont know what he hears if anything but it does my heart good to do it. I have to think something happens because I always seem to get some sort of interesting thing that goes on. ❤

        Liked by 1 person

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