Just Thinking

 I came home from the first night shift I have worked in over 4 months. I got changed and told Evan to get ready for bed. We did our normal Snap chat faces and then I started to read him his story. I have read this book 1000 times. Even to Evan, but tonight something was different. It hit me with a force. The book “Parts”. This was one of the many stories I read to Al to get him to understand sarcasm. To teach him that people don’t always say what they mean. Most of all that sarcasm could be funny. I realized tonight that Evan is the same age Al was when I knew something had to be done. An answer one way or the other . Oh how things were so different then. Yes early intervention was in place but after age 3 …. you were left with nothing. The hours I spent at the library and hunting on the computer! Finally someone close handed me a small newspaper clip… this was the first time that word “Aspergers ” would make an impact in my life. All the guessing, the talks about medication, being different, the ” He is more then ADD”…. there it was. The first book I read about Aspergers, well I could of written it myself. All of his “quirks ” well they were in this book. Finally the guilt was free from my body. For over 8 yrs I had such guilt for knowing that my son was different, but not knowing why. It tormented me! I thought I was a horrible person…. but as it turns out I wasn’t ! It’s called ” Trust Your MoMMy Instinct!!!”… I live by this feeling now and have moved mountains since. Discovering Aspergers was just the beginning of our journey. I have many more stories of guilt and grief to share. 

The moment of sadness that came upon me tonight while reading to Evan, was bitter sweet. I remembered how far we came and just how much I truly miss you all in one breath💙

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