Being Present

I’m learning that it’s not just about getting through the holidays. I don’t want to just get through them, I need to be present. Even if we could fast forward past this Christmas would the pain I feel inside be any less? Honestly no! It’s the memories of the Christmas past and our time with Alfred as a family that’s hard to deal with. I need to be in the Christmas present. If I wasn’t I would of missed my Josh and Evan having time together decorating our tree. I might not of gotten to hear my youngest tell me he wanted to hang his brother Alfred’s ornaments because he knew I couldn’t. Most of all I would of missed Alfred’s presence with us in the present 😌.

Hanging our stockings was painful, but I’m glad I did it. Pulling out our tree ornaments was a battle inside my heart. Seeing my children smile and remembering what Christmas is really about , well it helps my heart. Each day is a new challenge into our new normal as a family. Having Alfred’s memories with us  is a light that I will never let dull. Alfred loved everything about Christmas… from the decorating, the music, the lights and even helping me bake cookies..

Every year as he grew up Alfred never asked for more then 3 things for Christmas. They were usually simple things like silly putty or Star Wars legos. I would have Santa do his best to always grant these 3, but I couldn’t just have him open only 3 things. ( this was me being a Mom, Al would of been content with the 3 things he ask for.. Why? Well because it was what he asked for) I asked him one year,” Bud, why do you only ask for 3 things?”….. Als response,” Well, I know Santa is just gonna get me what he wants to get anyway!”….. He knew by asking for his simple pleasures he would at least get that.. the rest was pure bonus!

Tonight was hard Bud, but you were with us💙….I only miss you when I’m breathing😔

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