I am not numb anymore. I can feel everything as if it’s all at once now. I’m not sure if it’s the stress of knowing everything that takes place in this month. Or if it’s just me having a bad moment in that moment. I’m am not sure if I will even be able to write my feelings in these next few weeks, but this is how I feel right now. I’m trying to take it one day at a time, but it’s always right there. You know that next event or holiday … they just keep on coming. This will soon be my first Mothers Day without my son Alfred… next will be the day he was born followed by the day I lost him. All of this within 12 days of each other. It truly is a roller coaster of emotions.
Each of us here at home have celebrated our first birthdays without Al here. Although the love and celebration was there, we all felt the difference.
Now as for myself , I love rides… Alfred wanted to love all rides… it’s just his belly didn’t . Alfred’s 2 most favorite rides were the Ferris Wheel and the Swings. He would ride them over and over and be perfectly happy with just those. One ride bracelet and he was set. Some of our best family memories are from the annual Carnival and our Fair. I was taken by surprise a few yrs ago at the Fair when I would say my usual “Ok who is gonna go on …. with me?!?” And I heard a “Ok, I’ll go with you Mom!” Of all rides the Salt n Pepper Shakers. This ride swings you around frontwards and back like a baton twirler. That’s all I need.. 15 yrs of waiting, I finally had a ride buddy. It was a go. We were both excited and laughing.. the ride starts off great. We go around once then I hear Al say “ Oh No!”…. “This isn’t going to work!”….. After a very long 2 minutes we made it safely off the ride. My screams were from fear, but not from ride😊. I was so happy he tried something different that night, but I also knew he did it for me.
“It made me so happy to watch you explore and try something new. You didn’t always like it, and let us know when you didn’t. Watching you enjoy it was even better. This road ahead is my something new. I do not like going on without you, but I will continue on … always taking you with me for the ride😉”❤️❤️❤️