It Hurts Today and Tomorrow

I don’t hurt anymore or any less then I did yesterday. I am just more aware that my son has been gone for one whole year today. Just 4 days ago we also honored Alfred’s birthday with memories and cheesecake. This year without candles, because he is not here to blow them out.  The fog of this first year is clearing. I have still managed to learn. I have learned to take nothing for granted. To live in the present and take one day at a time. I wasn’t sure I was going to make it through these past 2 weeks. I felt as though I was carrying the weight of 2 elephants on my back. I wanted to run away… run away and not have to face it….but the day came anyway. In the moment when I allowed the weight to consume me… covered in tears and my husbands embrace… I did the only other thing I could think of… 

I prayed and I gave all my pain back to God..and He took it💙

I loved the time I had durning the few years I spent homeschooling Alfred. I like to say we “retaught” each other .  They were tough but good years. One time when he was done with lessons early. His baby brother was just down for a nap. Al ask if I would like him to go and get some soft pretzels. (A true Philly girl loves her soft pretzels) Now I have never allowed Al to go on his own before, but I knew it would be a quick trip. I made sure he knew to not walk with money out.. look both ways crossing the street, don’t talk to strangers and to say Thank you. Nervous, I watched him from the front window, then again from the back. I watched and counted the time. A few minutes go by, I do a peek from window, but no big worries yet. More time passes and I don’t see him … I start pacing from window to window… 10 min was enough time. I start telling myself , I know he likes looking at details of things. I then had enough.. 5 minutes of nervous Mom belly was to much… my shoes were on. I was  just about headed out back door to look down the block… and here he is. Bag of soft pretzels and a huge smile. I am relieved instantly, then I look at writing on the bag. ” Philly Pretzel Factory ” !!!!! I say..” Al you went to Pretzel Factory and not the store at top of block!!!!!”….. Alfred response ” I knew you liked these ones better Mom.. don’t worry.. I was careful…. and you never said which one to go too.”…. After the shock of thinking about him crossing a very busy Avenue not once but twice…. I realized he was right … about both things😳😊. 

I miss being told what I said, even if I meant something completely different. 

This year has been a battle and we miss your everything. 💙💙💙