On the Outside Looking In

I really do feel like I’m in the outside looking in. Grief is such an intense 24/7 emotion. There is no shutting it off, but there are times when it is tame. The 10 yrs I had of not only being aware of Aspergers, but living with it. I really thought ” I understood “…. I know it’s not the same, but I can’t help but think … at certain times while consumed in my emotions and grief… “Is this what Alfred was feeling with Aspergers?”

I am not trying to compare, I am as always just trying to learn and understand.

I truly feel he is still teaching me. Here is why I feel the connection. My world is moving, time is passing. I am present, but I am still secretly in my own world. I like your company and even the conversation, yet I am counting down the minutes when I can be alone with my thoughts. I am grateful and thankful for your compassion and understanding of me, but I still can’t help the thought of being looked at differently. I can push through the day, even though some are harder then others. 

I always knew this about my Alfred, I am just learning what it really feels like” 

Family parties could be difficult for Al. Not because he didn’t like his family or want to be around them… it was more of an overload. To many conversations, to much noise… way to many social queues. I learned very early on, that Al needed alone or ” recharge time “. It’s something we talked about from age 9 on. We gave each other signals to let the other know it was ok . The benefits of the compromise were very rewarding. I just wish I knew sooner. Just a simple , ” recharge”, was all it took. I have to admit…. I again learned something from this… as adults if we take the time to “recharge” even if just  10min. It can make a huge difference.

“There is not a second in which I do not miss your absence. Yet you are still teaching me. My days can sometimes become clouded, but your vision I hold in my heart. 💙💙💙”


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